Friday, August 20, 2010

2015: Where Are They Now?

Some summer Friday humor, guaranteed to offend everyone.
2015: Where are they now?
Business:
Carly Fiorina: Runs a high-tech recycling company called Compaqtor after her political career ended due to an unsuccessful merger attempt between the US and New Zealand
Warren Buffett: Fixes soft-serve machines at local DQ Grill and Chill's, mumbles something about a missing part called "collateral"
Jimmy Cayne: Early investor in the California legalization business; has own brand of tie-dye t-shirts, lava lamps and glass pipes
Mark Hurd: QVC spokesman for scissors, shears, mowers, whackers, chainsaws, razors and other cutting tools
Steve Jobs: Unveiled the iAircraftCarrier, a cooperative effort with the Department of Defense; built by FoxConn in China (but designed in the US)
Donald Trump: Licensed a new line of fine aged beef, called Donald Rump
Bill Gates: Finally lets himself go, buys a pound of organic Granny Smiths at Whole Foods
Steve Ballmer: Wears only sleeveless shirts and runs an electronics store by Times Square; he carries Zune, Kin, hotmail mousepads and other hard-to-find items
Richard S. Fuld Jr.: Trying to collect on an insurance payment for his Sun Valley mansion that he burned down while trying to find the hidden Krugerrands
Stan O'Neal: Opened 3 mini-golf courses in Fairfield County, CT, branded as The Hundering Turd
Steven Rattner: Appointed as Sr. Brand Manager for Matchbox cars after his stint with Obama's auto taskforce
Politics:
Timothy Geithner: Runs an amusement park called "The Recovery" in NJ; plays target in Shoot The Elf, the park's answer to Coney Island's Shoot the Freak.
Mike Huckabee: As Education Secretary, cuts federal funding for schools and universities teaching sciences of any kind
Rahm Emmanuel: Joined his Hollywood agent brother; specializes in vampire and ghost movies
George W. Bush: Still working on cattle-generated methane capture system at his ranch it Texas
Barack Obama: Dissolved by oil dispersants while demonstrating that Gulf waters are "absolutely safe for the summer of 2014"
Elena Kagan: Argued in a minority opinion to have the Constitution discussed and voted on annually by Congress
Sarah Palin: Insists that her brown-shirt brigade is not what you think it is, and that she's not a modern "Jenny Dark" as she's not French-Quebecadian
Rod Blagojevic: Last seen trying to exchange a seat on the bus for a 6-pc Chicken Nugget value meal
Mitt Romney: Regretting his big screen debut as James Bond because Americans cannot yet accept a Mormon as 007
Barney Frank: Busy personally approving every mortgage in the US between poker games "to make sure we don't get in trouble again"
Last but not least:
Ben Bernanke: Retired, leads the influential group "Pensioners for Higher Interest Rates"